First Choice
by Casandra
Summary: Buffy/Willow Slash: A spin on 'Intervention from Willow's POV


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First Choice

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Author: Casandra

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Email: rozwellrulz@aol.com

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Disclaimer: I unfortunately don't own any of the characters in this fic, they all belong to that evil mastermind Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy.

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Rating: Nothing past PG I don't think. I can't seem to write anything naughty just yet.

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Warning: If a romantic relationship involving two adult woman bothers you, then I suggest you avert your eyes.

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Distribution: Sure, you want it, have at it. Just please make sure to give me credit for it, and maybe drop me a line as to where it's going.

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Feedback: I could live on the stuff.

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Spoilers: Big ones for 'Intervention'. So if you haven't seen that episode you might not get this. Basically anything is open game with me though.

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Pairing: Buffy/Willow. Can't seem to get myself out of this shippage. Not that I'm complaining

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Summary: A spin on 'Intervention'. What if Buffy and Willow were already together when Xander caught Spike and the Buffy Bot. How would Willow react? Willow's POV

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Author's Note: Well I've had this idea tossing around in my head for a while, but my class load has been sagging me down. I haven't had much time to just sit down and try to write. I could have probably drawn it out a lot longer, but I just didn't have the time. And frankly my brain is kinda mushy from the midterms I just took. So if it sucks, I blame them LOL

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Dedication: To Dan, for actually lighting a fire under my butt and putting the idea back in my head. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, you are almost single handedly keeping in the wonderful world of Buffy/Willow shippage. Thanks man J 

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I never thought I would have to go through this again, never again. After I caught Oz in his cage with Veruca I never thought I would have to suffer through this feeling again. I guess I was wrong.

But I never, never in my worst nightmares, would have thought that Buffy would inflict this feeling upon me. Out of anyone in the world, I never thought it would be her. But yet as I stand here in her living room with Xander and Anya, listening to her whine about saving Spike, not shutting down Glory, I know it has to be true. For the life of me I can't figure out what went wrong, why she suddenly has forsaken everything we've shared in the last six months for a cold dead body with a annoying British accent and bad hair. Bitter much? Definitely. But I'm hurt, so terribly hurt, and more than a little confused, so I honestly don't care how bitter I am about the walking dead at the moment. Maybe that's it, maybe it's always been vamps, and I was just second choice, or worse yet, a distraction. I don't kid myself and think that the whole time Buffy was with Angel she wanted me, I'm not that naïve. They shared something so intense, and ultimately in the end, deeply painful. But I would have liked to think that if Angel would have come back, I could have given him a good run for his money. I guess not. Because apparently if she can't have the dark broody vampire, she'll settle for the Billy Idol wannabe. I guess that makes me third choice then.

If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with, she must have that down pat by now. I watched her with Parker, then with Riley, pretending to love him, but I could still see the yearning in her eyes, she was pining away for Angel the whole time she was with both of them. And I guess she did the same thing with me.

I honestly can't remember when I started loving Buffy the way I do now. Sometimes it feels like I always have, from that first moment we met. I can still remember looking back after Cordy shooed me away from the water fountain. For a single instant our gazes locked onto one another. And if I really think about it, I should probably have known that she would forever be in my heart from that moment on. I felt a instant connection with her, like a jolt of electricity when you get a shock from static. I think that's why I agreed to fight the good fight with her, it was almost as natural to me as breathing, to want to help her anyway I could. And I guess over the years everything just shifted, I started noticing how gorgeous her hazel eyes are, or how soft her hands were when she would hold my own. That always amazed me, how soft her hands are. She goes out and fights the ugliest things the Hellmouth can throw at her, night after night, and her hands are the softest things I've ever felt.

I never thought much about telling Buffy, just kept it as my little secret that was never to be told to anyone. And then Tara came along. And I'll admit, I'm guilty of the same thing Buffy is, I couldn't be with Buffy, so I loved Tara in her place. And Tara knew, she figured it out, and I'm starting to get an idea of how that made her feel, being my second choice. And I hate myself for doing that to her, because it's not a feeling I would wish upon my enemies, let alone somebody I call a friend. She was smart enough to walk away when she realized that she would never be my first choice, she had enough courage to walk away from me, the person she loved, because she didn't want me settling for her, she didn't want to be settled for. I just wonder if I have enough strength to do the same.

It wasn't something I expected, being in a relationship with Buffy. It was always something I dreamed about, but never anything more. She was far out of my reach, so I didn't even entertain the possibility that she felt the same way that I did. But one night last October everything I thought that I knew about our friendship completely changed. She came to me and told me that Riley was leaving. I immediately put my sympathy, comfort face on and told her to let it all out, that I was there for her. And then she did something that I never thought would ever happen, she kissed me. Gently at first, and then when I instinctively responded she deepened it, sliding her tongue across my bottom lip. When she pulled away I remember whimpering in protest, but she took my chin gently in her hand and lifted my eyes up to meet her gaze, and said the words that I had dreamt of hearing from her for years. She told me that she was in love with me. The way she said it left no room for misinterpretation. And since that moment we haven't spent a night apart, curled together in each other's arms, clinging to the connection I've always felt with her.

I've been surprised that the gang hasn't picked up on anything. Or maybe they have and just are waiting for us to tell them ourselves. But we haven't told them, and it wasn't my choice. Buffy has been very hesitant to tell anyone, and more than once I've entertained the idea that maybe she wasn't as committed as I am. But every time I brought it up with her she always calmed my fears, telling me she just wanted me to herself for a while, that she didn't want to have to worry about everyone's reactions and possibly put a strain on our relationship. And I believed her, unquestionably I believed her. And now I know I probably shouldn't have. The thing that I think hurts most of all is the fact that she came to me, not the other way around. She admitted to me how she felt, she asked me to be with her. And it confuses me to no end why she would do that when she obviously didn't really want me.

Since the gang doesn't know about us I can't stand here and play the jilted lover, I have to act like it's not tearing me apart inside knowing that everything she gave to me she gave to Spike as well. And she barely acknowledges my presence, which is even worse. She's so caught up in rescuing Spike that she barely gives me a second glance, and to top things off, she doesn't even have the decency to look even a little bit guilty. She's rambling on and on about her platinum dead boy, and couldn't care less that each time she says his name another piece of my soul chips away. 

I'm vaguely aware of what I'm saying and doing, but my thoughts are so clouded with hurt, anger, confusion and jealousy that I barely see her go upstairs to change. And before I know it, she comes walking over to me, a small gentle smile on her face, and in a completely different outfit.

"That was quick," I try to keep the bitterness out of my tone but I don't think I succeed because Buffy is giving me one of her patented 'what's up with you' looks. And it just pisses me off more, cause apparently she doesn't think anything is wrong with what she did to me.

"Didn't seem like it to me. Death is my gift" Ok, huh? I think I've finally either passed out, or have lost my mind, because I'm completely lost now. I must have zoned out because when I look up at her again she's staring at me, a mixture of shock and horror flashing through her hazel eyes. Xander must have told her that he saw them together. The funny thing is, she's looking at me, and her expression isn't one of guilt, but of fear. And I'm suddenly starting to question myself again. 

"Will, you can't possibly believe that I'm sleeping with Spike," She looks at me like a lost puppy dog, and I almost cave, but I can't, not after what I've seen and heard in the last 24 hours. I won't.

"Buffy, Xander saw you together last night. What else am I supposed to think?" I'm crying now, I can feel the wetness of my tears soaking my cheeks as they run silently down. I'm vaguely aware of Anya and Xander's curious eyes on us, but I could really care less.

"I don't care what he saw, it's wrong, I'm not sleeping with Spike. I would never do that to you." She gently cups my cheek so I'm looking right in her eyes, and I notice that she seems to be fighting against her own tears. I'm more confused than ever now, because she seems so sincere, nothing like the Buffy that was standing before me not more than five minutes ago. It's like she's two completely different people. I honestly don't know what to think anymore.

"Then how do you explain what Xander saw Buffy? You can't just tell me that it wasn't you after Xander and Anya both saw you with him. I want to believe you, I want to with all my heart, but I can't deny the facts." I'm getting a little angry now. I never liked situations like this, where I'm not sure what exactly is going on. My heart is screaming at me to believe her, that she would never do anything like this to me. But my logic and reasoning knows that Xander and Anya wouldn't lie. Plus add in the fact that Buffy was standing here in front of me going on and on about saving Spike, it lends to a pretty convincing argument against her.

"Will, how can you think I would ever cheat on you? I love you baby, so much, you know that. I would never, ever do anything to hurt you. Much less sleep with Spike." She's lost her battle with her tears, because they're freely falling from her gorgeous eyes unchecked. I try and break her hold on my chin so I can back away and gather my thoughts. But she's not letting go, and with everything I am I want to believe her. In fact I'm starting to believe her, and I'm scared out of my mind that I shouldn't. I glance over at Anya and Xander, who are both gaping at us in shock. Oh yeah, Buffy just pretty much outted us, didn't she. Wait a second, Buffy just outted us, after months of dancing around the subject she just called me baby in front of them. Gah, I'm so confused! But still my head is overruling my heart at the moment.

"I did think that you loved me, I was sure of it. But I can't just forget about what Xander and Anya saw. Besides the fact that not more than five minutes ago you stood here going on and on about Spike, how we have to rescue him from Glory. What am I supposed to think?" My resolve is slipping every time I look into her eyes. Because I don't see the blank emptiness that I saw ten minutes ago, all I see is her love radiating from them like the warm summer sun.

"I don't know how to explain it, but I know that I'm not sleeping with him. And what do you mean ten minutes ago, I just got back. I spent all night in the desert." I just love when she looks confused, she gets this little pout line between her eyebrows, it's the most endearing thing. But wait a second, she was in the desert last night? I knew that, she told me she was going on some vision quest with Giles. But last night was when Xander and Anya saw her in the cemetery with Spike. Ok, if I was confused before, I'm off the charts now.

"Wait a second, you couldn't have been in the desert last night, that's when they saw you with Spike."

"They didn't see me with Spike! I wasn't even here last night, there's no way it was me. I told you Will, I wouldn't do that!" We're both looking at each other, bewildered out of our minds. But my head and heart are starting to work together again. Something about this whole thing just doesn't feel right.

"Buffy, I saw you. Anya too. We saw you and Spike ...with the straddling." Thanks Xander for those wonderful images again.

" Spike's mine. Who's straddling Spike?"

Oh My God! I mean, uh, huh? What in the hell is going on here? 

"Two of them!?" Ok, she looks like my Buffy, she talks like my Buffy, but yet apparently my Buffy is standing right next to me, and she's something completely not mine.

"Hey, I know this! They're both Buffy!" Xander, ever so helpful. But wait, maybe he's right. But I thought for sure that Buffy destroyed the Toth demon.

" No, she's a robot. She acts just like that girlfriend-bot that Warren guy made." Whoo boy, I should have known. I never should have doubted Buffy, but score one for my raging insecurities. Buffy turns away from Xander and looks right at me, hurt coloring her hazel eyes. " You guys couldn't tell me apart from a robot?"

" Spike must have had her built so he could program her t-" Xander, once again with the bad visuals. I need to figure out a spell to shut him up sometime.

"Will you excuse us for one second, I need to talk to Willow without an audience," Oh, I know that look, she's about to let me have it. And she really has every right to. I can't even tell her apart from a robot. Without hesitation I believed my girlfriend, the woman I've loved for years, would cheat on me. With Spike no less. She's never given me any reason to think that I can't trust her, that she doesn't love me completely, and only me. And yet as soon as her loyalty comes into question I immediately think the worst. And now I'm really worried that this will in fact be the end of our relationship.

"Buffy I…."

"You what Willow? How could you not know that wasn't me?" She looks like she's about to cry again, and I hate that I've made her feel that way. But she's right, how could I not know? 

"Buffy, I was so hurt when Xander told us that he saw you and Spike, er, her and Spike. And then I saw her here and she didn't even seem sorry. I was so angry and so hurt and not a little bit confused that I didn't stop and think rationally."

"Will, how could you think I would cheat on you? Have I ever given you any reason to think that I would?"

"No, but…"

"I thought you knew that I love you. Will, I love you so much sometimes that it scares me. I've never loved anyone more than I love you, we have this connection that I've never experienced before, and I thought for sure you felt it too." Oh god, how am I going to make this right. I was a fool, I know that, but that doesn't mean I can take it back, and I'm scared to death of losing her.

"Buffy, I love you too. And I feel the connection , I've felt it since that first day we met. But it's not like you've never been with a vampire. I spent years watching you moon over Angel. And even after he was gone and you were with Riley, I could still tell that you wanted him. Your eyes are so expressive, I can tell everything you're feeling just by looking in your eyes. I could see the yearning, I knew that you wanted Angel when you were with Riley. And I guess you can chalk one up to my raging insecurity, because when I heard about what Xander saw, I………" I stopped, not knowing how to tell her that I feel so scared that she's just with me because she can't be with Angel. And she looks pretty upset, so I better stop, even if I am behind.

"You think that I'm with you because I can't be with Angel." It wasn't a question, I had forgotten that she knows me better than I know myself sometimes. "You think that I'm settling for you, that you're my second choice."

"Yes" I can't help it, I know I shouldn't think like that, but I just can't stop. I have the most beautiful girlfriend in the world, and I love her so much that I can't possibly imagine spending the rest of my life, as long as that might be, without her. But at heart I'm still that shy, naïve girl that she met 5 years ago, the one who's self esteem is always dragging on the ground.

"You know what Will, you're right." Oh god! No, I don't want to be right, please say I'm completely and utterly wrong! "The whole time I was with Riley I was pining away, you were right." I think I'm about a second away from just bursting into a flood of tears and never stopping. She takes my chin in her hand again and raises my eyes to meet hers. "I wanted you, Willow."

"What?" Excuse me, I'm pretty much incoherent right now.

"The whole time I was with Riley, I was wishing I was with you. Hell, if I really want to admit it, even when I was with Angel I would think about you. You have never, ever been my second choice Will. On some level I've always known it was you. Not Angel, not Riley, you. I want you, always, for as long as you'll have me."

"Buffy, I'm so sorry, I just, when I think about losing you, it just tears me up, and logical Willow kinda gets lost somewhere. I knew deep down that you would never hurt me, but I just have this knack of always thinking I'm not good enough. You know that. And when you didn't……….." I trailed off, not wanting to bring up a sore subject again.

"When I didn't what?"

"When you didn't want to tell people about us, I thought, well I thought maybe you were embarrassed, or maybe you weren't as committed as I am. I got scared" Yep, that's pretty much it. I was scared out of my mind of losing the best thing that has ever happened to me.

"Will, I told you why I did that. I want you all to myself, I didn't want to have to share what we have with everybody else. And honestly, I was scared too. I was afraid that if everyone had a bad reaction you would think that we weren't worth all the trouble, that I wasn't worth all the trouble. I was afraid you would leave I guess." I reached up and wiped away the tears that were falling again from her glistening eyes. I realize now that we've both been so afraid of losing each other, that we almost ended up sinking ourselves. 

"I guess we almost shot ourselves in the foot huh?" I try and lighten up the mood, cause I'm honestly not sure that we're ok yet.

"Yeah, I guess we did. But Will, I mean it. I've never loved anyone like I love you, and I really doubt I ever will. Promise me, if you have any doubts whatsoever you'll talk to me about it. I couldn't stand the thought of losing you"

"I promise, I promise." And before I knew what was happening she had taken me into her arms and was kissing me. It was the most loving kiss I can ever remember experiencing, she was so gentle and sweet. 

"So are you two girls all made up now so we can go kick Spike's ass?" Grr, I'm really gonna have to look into that spell to shut him up, he just interrupted my make-up smoochies!

  
"Oh God, we have to make sure he doesn't tell Glory about Dawn, come on guys!" Buffy grabbed my hand and ushered the gang out the door before giving me another quick kiss.

"So now that you guys are orgasm pals does this mean Willow is going to reprogram the Bot for herself?"

"Anya!!"

End

  


  



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